STOP MALE ABUSE

Fight Over Battered Men Funds

An article in the Sunday Sun in the United Kingdom states that, "The stigma is slowly being removed for male victims and they now feel they can come forward.  So the number of battered husbands and partners is growing so rapidy that it has been suggested that women's refuges open their doors to male victims."

Judith Ferquharson, a trustee of Newcastle's Women's Aid, said, "Councils and the Government need to understand that there should be two services, one for women and a separate one for men.   But more money needs to be put into the system and extra found to support a searate male service."

The article goes on to talk about the current lack of funding for male  domestic violence victims.     Looks like they have the same problems providing help for male abuse victims in the UK as we have here in the states.

What's your experience in this area?  Do you know of a shelter for men?  Please share your info with us.  You could help a man in need of help.

Women Abusing Men

Contrary to public perception, recent statistics are showing that 40 percent of domestic violence incidents in the United States are committed by women against men. 

I was interested to see that even in Malaysia, this is a problem.  A recent New Straits Times article reported that from 2005 to 2007, 50 men complained to authorities of domestic abuse at the hands of women. 

Looks like this is a world-wide problem that needs more attention.

RIHANNA AND CHRIS BROWN BATTERING

Well, unless you've been shutting yourself off from the news, you've heard about the domestic abuse battering against singer Rihanna by singer Chris Brown, as they drove away in a rented Lamborghini from a pre-Grammy party in February.

Donald Trump said Rihanna had "better get the hell out."

'Project Runway' winner Christian Siriano stated that ". . . there has to be something that she did to provoke it."

There seems to some reporting that perhaps Rihanna landed the first blows on Chris, after reading a text message from his manager, asking to meet him later in the evening.

Now, perhaps her blows didn't equal the knock-out slugs of Chris, plus the biting and strangling almost to the point of unconsciouslness -- but what's up here?

What are your thoughts about this?  Has your partner instigated violence with you?  How did you handle it?  Let us know in the Comments section below.

EMOTIONAL ABUSE: 101 Things I'm Tired Of

I'm a member of a Yahoo online community board for partners of Borderlines.  One of the men recently posted his 101 Things I'm Tired Of list.  I was so impressed with how clearly he expressed the pain, the sorrow, the anger, the sense of utter futility that he feels in his relationship with his wife.  He generously agreed to allow me to share his pain with you.

       1.  I'm tired of being accused of being passive aggressive because I simply forgot to lower the toilet seat.

       2.  I'm tired of having things I say twisted around so that you perceive they hurt you more.

       3.  I'm tired of you always playing the victim and the one that was wronged.

       4.  I'm tired of the infrequent apologies from you.

       5.  I'm tired of the fighting.

       6.  I'm tired of the infrequent sex.

       7.  I'm tired of being criticized with "you never's" and "you don't do ____ anymore/enough."

       8.  I'm tired of the snide, confrontational attitude when we fight.

       9.  I'm tired of being interrupted when I'm trying to tell my side.

     10.  I'm tired of your ultra-sensitivity about everything.

     11.  I'm tired of being told I don't do enough around the house.

     12.  I'm tired of you being sick at least one week out of every month.

     13.  I'm tired of having a wife that I can't flirt with and make sexual innuendos with -- without her getting mad.

     14.  I'm tired of remembering all the fights and hurts and things that have been said.

     15.  I'm tired of always trying to be the peacemaker and the first to apologize.

     16.  I'm tired of feeling like a meal ticket.

     17.  I'm tired of being asked the same questions, over and over -- yet you flip out when I repeat myself.

     18.  I'm tired of the double standards.

     19.  I'm tired of the hypocrisy.

     20.  I'm tired of walking on eggshells, always trying not to irritate you.

     21.  I'm tired of the 50/50 chance that if we drink, we'll end up in a fight.

     22.  I'm tired of feeling like you're only attracted to me when you're drinking.

     23.  I'm tired of rubbing your back, feet or giving messages that aren't reciprocated.

     24.  I'm tired of giving oral sex that isn't reciprocated.

     25.  I'm tired of having a wife that won't participate in a fundamental part (sex) of a relationship.

     26.  I'm tired of how complicated sex has become.

     27.  I'm tired of hoping things will go back to what they were in the beginning.

     28.  I'm tired of thinking about all of it.

     29.  I'm tired of the empty promises of change.

     30.  I'm tired of the small changes that never last.

     31.  I'm tired of always being accused of things.

     32.  I'm tired of your irrational behavior.

     33.  I'm tired of your accusations.

     34.  I'm tired of your rage.

     35.  I'm tired of your drinking.

     36.  I'm tired of being treated like a child.

     37.  I'm tired of being bossed around.

     38.  I'm tired of being alone in a marriage.

     39.  I'm tired of not laughing.

     40.  I'm tired of the constant criticism.

     41.  I'm tired of being nagged about every little thing.

     42.  I'm tired of being bullied.

     43.  I'm tired of not being appreciated.

     44.  I'm tired of being sad.

     45.  I'm tired of the tension in our house.

     46.  I'm tired of fighting about sex.

     47.  I'm tired of the awkwardness.

     48.  I'm tired of not being desired.

     49.  I'm tired of not being listened to.

     50.  I'm tired of being accused of being a know-it-all.

     51.  I'm tired of you being more affectionate to the cat than to me.

     52.  I'm tired of never being given the benefit of the doubt.

     53.  I'm tired of being accused of saying things I didn't say.

     54.  I'm tired of doing things to be sweet that go unnoticed -- tacos, Gatorade, etc.

     55.  I'm tired of you being verbally abusive, then accusing me of abuse.

     56.  I'm tired of seeming to be the only one that notices or cares about the relationship.

     57.  I'm tired of being picked on over little things.

     58.  I'm tired of being belittled.

     59.  I'm tired of not feeling like a man.

     60.  I'm tired of being insulted.

     61.  I'm tired of being put down.

     62.  I'm tired of the instability in our relationship.

     63.  I'm tired of remembering who we used to be.

     64.  I'm tired of missing the romantic moments we used to share.

     65.  I'm tired of making an effort that gets criticized.

     66.  I'm tired of feeling like I got the bait and switch.

     67.  I'm tired of my ideas and wants being criticized while I support yours.

     68.  I'm tired of feeling like I have no say in things.

     69.  I'm tired of not being able to buy things I want, when I tell you all the time, "go ahead, if you want it."

     70.  I'm tired of waiting for things to change.

     71.  I'm tired of being bored.

     72.  I'm tired of the rut we're in.

     73.  I'm tired of being blamed for everything.

     74.  I'm tired of being in limbo about our future.

     75.  I'm tired of being indecisive.

     76.  I'm tired of the huge communication problems we have.

     77.  I'm tired of our conflicting personalities.

     78.  I'm tired of feeling like immature teenagers in this relationship.

     79.  I'm tired of your immaturity.

     80.  I'm tired of your inadequate conflict resolution skills.

     81.  I'm tired of your inability to be sympathetic to my views, feelings, etc.

     82.  I'm tired of your selfishness.

     83.  I'm tired of your negativity.

     84.  I'm tired of your unhappiness.

     85.  I'm tired of your insecurities.

     86.  I'm tired of you complaining every year about wanting a new job -- but never doing anything about it.

     87.  I'm tired of you not wanting to do anything together.

     88.  I'm tired of you getting to be the sensitive one -- I'm not supposed to have feelings.

     89.  I'm tired of you reading too much into things and coming to negative conclusions.

     90.  I'm tired of having a difficult relationship with you.

     91.  I'm tired of the distance.

     92.  I'm tired of not being in a loving relationship.

     93.  I'm tired of not being a team.

     94.  I'm tired of being questioned about every little thing.

     95.  I'm tired of being spineless.

     96.  I'm tired of not being respected.

     97.  I'm tired of being told how to do everything.

     98.  I'm tired of not having the spark we had in the beginning.

     99.  I'm tired of thinking of the loss of spark and how to get it back.

    100.  I'm tired of the fighting that has ruined every trip we've been on since Las Vegas.

    101.  I'm tired of remembering our disastrous wedding night and disastrous honeymoon.

I feel so sad when I read this list.  It so adds it all up, doesn't it? 

The list shows clearly how hard we try to make relationships with a wounded Borderline work; how we give ourselves away an inch at a time (ending up ashamed of ourselves); the unfairness of the Borderline's misperceptions and later criticisms, belittling statements and off-the-wall rages (for such seemingly small things).

It's interesting to me to see how the list progresses -- from the beginning statements of the Borderline's hurtful behavior; into an awareness of what's happening to the partner (the bullying, lack of intimacy, lack of sexual love, lack of respect); sliding into humiliation (not feeling like a man, feeling belittled, insulted and put down); finishing up with feelling downright tricked.

Since I coach partners of Borderlines now, I especially noted #'s 100 and 101.  They show how soon the Borderline behaviors showed up in this man's relationship with his wife -- their honeymoon night.

This isn't unusual.  Remember that Borderline hurtful behavior is triggered by intimacy -- our intimacy with them.  It scares the heck out of them.  They're afraid to let anyone too close (old fears from what  happened to them in their past) and they're scared they'll be abandoned (again, old fears from what happened to them in their past). 

One woman told me the Borderline behavior showed up the afternoon of her wedding reception -- her new husband was furiously jealous of her even laughing with one of the groomsmen.  And it was downhill from there.

How do you feel when you read this list of behaviors?  Have you experienced behavior like this from your partner?  Click the Comments link below to share your story with us.  Your story might help another man.

    

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AGAINST MEN: Almost 50%

Check out the below link featuring Harry Crouch, executive director of the San Diego Mens Center in California.  Harry brings up the unknown fact that in the 2007 national crime statistics report of 1.4 million women as domestic violence victims, 250,000 of those cases were rapes. 

So that drops the 1.4 number of actual domestic violence victims closer to 1 million.

The stated number of domestic violence crimes against men is 835,000 -- with no rapes counted in that number (Harry specifically mentions jail rapes).

Current intimate partner domestic violence statistics are stating that domestic violence against men in our country is 30 percent of the cases against women   Harry's facts change that to more like 40 to 45 percent -- almost 50 percent.

And yet very little funding is available for domestic violence against men.  Something needs to change.

Check out this link:  http://antimisandry.com/chit-chat-main/14061-boys-boy-crisis.html.  Scroll down the page to the PLAY box on the left. 

Are you a male who has experienced domestic violence by an intimate partner?  Share your story here in the comment section below, so other men can learn about the hidden face of intimate partner violence against men. It's time to put shame aside and call a spade a spade.

A MOTHER BEGS FOR HELP for Son Falsely Accused of Domestic Violence

A mother in Texas submitted an email today to the Hereticalsex blog on the Internet, begging for help for her son.  She lays out a despairing story of a four-year battle by her son to restore his name and to have contact with her grandson.

What do you think of her story?  Has this happened to you?

PSYCHIATRISTS SAY Darth Vader is Borderline

Check out sister domestic violence blog Stop the Abuse for a tongue-in-cheek analysis of Anakin Skywalker as Borderline by the French psychiatrists at the annual American Psychiatric Association's meeting in San Diego this month.

Nice exercise in putting circles around Borderline behaviors in a manner laypeople can understand.

EVEN PHYSICIST STEPHEN HAWKING Won't Admit Domestic Abuse

ABC News reported that Cambridge physicist Stephen Hawking has rejected claims that he's been the victim of assault at the hands of his wife.

Detectives are looking into claims that Elaine Hawking has assaulted her husband, who has suffered from motor neurone disease for more than 40 years.  At least 10 nurses or caregivers have given statements to police.

One nurse was quoted in The Times as saying that Mrs. Hawking, "bathed her husband in water that was too hot, allowed him to wet himself and called him a 'cripple'."

However, Professor Hawking said, "My wife and I love each other very much and it is only because of her that I am alive today."

Great.  Even one of the most accomplished, world-renowned, beloved, just-returned-from-flying-in-outer-space men in our country won't speak up and fight back against the unkind, mean behavior they experience at the hands of their intimate partner. 

Who's going to set the standard, be the role model for the millions of abused men in our country? 

Who's going to bring male domestic violence out of the closet?

(NOTE TO MEN CURRENTLY IN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS:  What if you develop one of those awful diseases -- Lou Gehrig's, perhaps.  How will your partner treat you when you're ill . . . if she's mean to you when you're well?)

(To print:  File > Print > Specify number of pages -- for example, 1-2)

WHY SOCIETY THINKS Domestic Violence Toward Men Doesn't Exist

I was interviewed on April 25, 2007, by Chuck Baker of AM radio station KKKK in Colorado Springs.  We were discussing the recent murder of Rebecca Griego by an ex-boyfriend, who had long distance stalked her all the way to the University of Washington in Seattle. 

I was explaining the Borderline Personality Disorder person's intense fear of the loss of their loved one, leading to frantic efforts to avoid real -- or imagined -- abandonment.

Chuck is very interested in domestic violence -- especially DV against men.  I said that my daughter's college textbooks stated that only 2 percent of men were abused, while my current research is showing that it's really as high as 30 to 40 percent.

This brought Chuck to the point of anger that DV against men is not being addressed in this country.  What came out of my mouth at that point was a surprise to me, but yet is the absolute truth.

Why don't we know about DV against men -- and why aren't we helping them?  Because we haven't known it exists -- since men don't talk about it !!

I surprised myself with the simplicity of this truth.  Everything I've read says that men don't talk about the abuse they're receiving, because of their shame.  I personally know one man who confessed to me that his wife of 20 years will suddenly come at him with knives.  He grabs pillows off the couch to defend and protect himself.

How about it, guys?  Get an anonymous yahoo email address and begin posting here, so the world will know what's really happening out there.

STOP THE ABUSE: Sister Domestic Violence Blog

This blog is new and will evolve into a much-needed interactive site on a specific subject that needs a light shined on it -- domestic violence against men.

However, the blog I created in 2005 -- www.stoptheabuse.blogs.com -- has loads of helpful information regarding the overall subject of domestic violence.

If you're in a hurtful relationship, looking for answers, don't forget to visit this site's Sister Domestic Violence Blog.  Then come back and share your thoughts in a comment on this site.  Your observations might help someone else . . . .

WELCOME

Welcome to what I believe is the only blog on the Internet devoted to violence and abuse -- in all its many forms -- against men

When I wrote my book, Breaking Free from Boomerang Love -- Getting Unhooked from Abusive Borderline Relationships, I was surprised to see the domestic violence victims reaching for my book like a lifeline.  I had 'only' experienced emotional abuse, not physical, so I hadn't tied up the relationship of Borderline Personality Disorder with domestic violence. 

But I was soon educated, as the emails from domestic violence victims reading my book came flooding in.  And within that group was a significant number of men . . . men who had never spoken up before, as no one had validated their experiences.

Over the past year or so, I've become a Relationship Coach, helping people crawl out of these painful relationships.  Again, at least half of the people I've coached have been men -- good men, White Knight men, men who were altering their personal Code of Honor in choosing to leave their partners in order to save their sanity . . . and sometimes their very lives.

I've had a domestic violence blog up and running for some time now -- www.stoptheabuse.blogs.com.  It's now time to separate out the issues specifically relating to men in these painful relationships -- ones that they rarely tell anyone about, out of shame.

Welcome to a safe spot to share your experiences and comments.   

What do you think about creating a blog just for male abuse and violence?  Have you had experiences to share with us?  Let's make this a comfortable place to put up our feet, pop a cool one . . . and vent, grieve or support.